Friday 18 April 2014

The Domino Effect - Part 2 - Is It Worth It ?



Sameer sat, hunched like he was drawing himself into a shell, his breathing still ragged, drawing in deep breaths of air like he had just surfaced after a long underwater submerge stint. His eyes half closed, trying to gain a control on himself, feeling like a puppeteer whose puppet suddenly decided to cut its own strings, he sat still holding the phone, his hands clenched around it, knuckles white with the pressure he was exerting on it, almost as if his life depended on it.  It had been another of those fights, bitter and ever intensifying like a volcano building up pressure just before the blowout. He glanced at his watch and noticed that he had been arguing and fighting for nearly an hour. He felt exhausted and drained but still high strung and all nervy, waiting for some kind of a release.

It had been Anamika, his girlfriend now of over 4 years. Cat eyed and raven haired, she also had the temper and foul mouth that came with the territory. Theirs had been a meeting that seemed like it was destined. They had hit it off instantly, almost losing themselves in each other, wanting to and spending all their time with each other, unable to be without each other. It was like they had been consumed by each other. The intensity of their chemistry and emotion was something that surprised both of them at the start but only seemed to build with time.

Theirs was the ideal love affair, building up with time and never shy, always out in the open. Everyone talked about them being the ideal couple. He was a year senior and used to help her with all her academic work, spending time on her work as much as he needed to spend on his. They would do everything together, even if it was one of his friend’s birthdays or a party thrown by one hers. They could talk to each other for hours or so it seemed, about themselves, about each other, about anything at all that seemed important to either of them. They both loved music, going to every concert that came to town, often spending hours with an IPOD and each with one of the headphones, eyes closed and simply listening. And then they would talk about what they had imagined, in vivid detail, exulting when there was something common in their narratives. Driving was another passion, both just preferring to up and ride away by themselves and reaching some remote spot where they would spend the afternoon by themselves.

The idyllic period came to an end when he passed out a year ahead of her and got into a job. The saving grace was that he was still in the same city. So, they would still meet every day. There was a strain when they were not always together. They no longer went everywhere together. He would still want to take her everywhere. But she would refuse to go saying that all his friends would talk about was work, which was true at one level.  And she no longer invited him to go with her to her friend’s parties, saying that they were different and that he wouldn't enjoy them. Also, she now had a few very close male friends that she constantly talked about. He felt that she was constantly talking about herself and about her friends; she never had time to ask him about himself or listen to anything he had to say.

Then the next blow came. He got transferred out to Mumbai from Delhi, three months before her final exam. So, they met only when either of them made a trip down during a holiday. And they could rely only on the phone. The distance affected their closeness, getting in the way, casting clouds where there had been clarity before, creating breaks in what had been familiar roads and putting in a distance where there had been togetherness and closeness before. The telephone conversations started becoming strained. She did not have him to help her with her exams and so relied on one of her friends who happened to be a guy. So conversations dwindled and sometimes did not happen at all. And even if they did, they were short and staccato. Mostly about her exams and how the preparation was so tough and how her friend was helping her. It seemed like her friend was spending a lot of time with her. Jealousy reared its ugly head and they had their first big fight the day before her first exam – about her friend. It was a new experience for either of them, fighting like that. But the words came pouring out, as if a dam that had been built up over the past few months had broken and the waters surged forth. Faults were found, conversations were rewound and dissected, issues made out of small things and names were called, a lot of French and German was spoken. They didn't speak to each other for the next couple of weeks while her exams were going on.

She had then come to Mumbai to stay with him after the exams and the whole issue had just disappeared. The two months that she had stayed was like a throwback to their college time together. Every day was an experience that they built together and relived a countless times. They discovered nooks and crannies of the city that they doubted existed outside their imagination and spent hours there, just drinking in the silence and each other, an island of quiet in the river of noise that was the city. Then she had gone back to Delhi, having gotten a job there. The first months were a hangover of their time together and went with their spending time on the phone and money on their phone bills, calling each other at least a dozen times in the day to tell each other what had happened or what they had seen or what they imagined. The bond seemed to have been rebuilt and cemented for good.

Then came her training trip to the US, for a period of four weeks. He did not have a way of reaching her. She said that the company did not allow her an international roaming and therefore, she would email him and call him from a land line when she could. At first, there were calls on alternate days and photos mailed. Then the calls stopped and the photos became more sporadic with just one line emails about meetings and dinners out or parties. He felt a keen sense of loss, something like the loss of a body part.  He had been unable to deal with not being able to talk or see her for that long. The waiting became unbearable. Then the email came that due to her performance in her training, they had asked her to stay back and take an advanced training for another month. He had written back to her that he was missing her and that maybe she could take the training after some time. Her answer about her career being important and her wanting to succeed at her work stunned and shocked him beyond belief. After that, he had not written to her and she had also only sent routine emails about what was happening, a line or two here and there. It was almost as if, there was a crack in the glass bubble that held their togetherness and it had started draining out.

She had come back after two months and started her work. Her first phone call to him that weekend was their first fight. It was about all the things he had felt and all that he had wanted to tell her for those eight weeks and all that she didn't want to hear. They had both yelled, talking at the same time, not listening. They had both been right and the other wrong. After a while, she had cut the phone on him. He tried calling and after about eight attempts, she picked up. He had been shocked at her anger and her decision to simply cut him off. He did not know how to deal with it and though he was angry, his shock was like a bucket of cold water on the fire. He was apologetic and begged for her forgiveness. For the first time, he was unsure of himself in their equation and that scared him.

Their phone calls continued for the next year and they visited each other a couple of times as well. They had one or two more fights but he took care not to push it beyond, afraid that she would simply decide to cut him off. Then came the next change, she moved to another company in a senior role. This role needed her to travel more frequently.  And then the fights had started again. With her travelling, she could not talk to him sometimes for days and even then, they were very short conversations with very little said. She was always with someone or going somewhere or doing something. When he brought up the issue, she blamed him for not being supportive of her career and not being there for her when she needed him. He couldn't for the life of him understand what she needed from him. The fights had ended with either of them apologizing and promising to make it up, though they never did get around to it.

It was now a year since they had started fighting over this issue. The distance between them had worsened to the point where neither of them could understand each other. Most conversations ended in a fight and more lately, almost every one of them did. He had started travelling as well and between them, there was never time for a conversation. He would message her almost always when he went somewhere or did something or finished something. And she would respond hours later when she could. He was used to the time when she would respond instantaneously and they would have a mini conversation on the messages. He would call her at times but most often, she would either not pick up or would pick up and say that she was busy in a meeting and would call back. She wouldn't call back until a few hours later when he was already tired of waiting.

Finally the last straw came when he had laid all of this open in a conversation about three months ago. The lack of response from her, the lack of time, the lack of closeness was something that he could no longer live with and he decided to ask her outright if there was a problem. Only, the words didn't come out quite right and he appeared to be blaming her for all of this. Maybe at one level, he had been doing just that. It blew up in his face with her anger reaching a level that he had never seen before. She gave it all right back to him. A lot of bitter words were said and a lot of hurt caused that time. The conversation ended abruptly when the signal dropped. Neither of them called back. And that was that. For the next week, they did not speak to each other until one morning she called and just picked up as if nothing had happened. He was still smarting from all that and didn't give up. The fight reared its head once more and the gloves were off.

Since then, this had become the routine. He had reached the point where he no longer knew what they were doing with each other and whether there was any point to their fighting. He kept telling her that all he wanted was time from her and her attention. And he kept finding faults with her about things that she did and things that she did not do. The fights kept escalating and there were breaks in between when they did not speak to each other, almost did not dare to call. But the routine did not break and the fights continued. The instances different each time, but the reasons the same. He wanted her to be the same again. And somehow, she wasn't ready for that.

Until this morning and the call from here when he had just reached office, saying that she was in Goa with some friends. He hadn't quite understood what had happened and then had gone white in anger, remembering how he had pleaded with her for give him time two nights before and her telling him that she could not take time off as there was too much work. The trip to Goa just like that was the icing on the cake for him and he had gone silent first and then exploded. She had tried reasoning it out with him that she needed a break and when that was established, that she needed to be with her friends because she couldn't be with him. That settled it for him. And the whole merry go round started once again, going back to conversations a year old and what had been said or not said, what had been done or not done and why that had been wrong anyway. Both of them had grown increasingly vocal, almost yelling. He forgot that he was in office and when his colleague Ajay waved to him and motioned him to go to one of the conference rooms was when he came to his senses. She finally told him that her friends were waiting and that she had to go, something that sparked off the fight again. It finally ended with him yelling that she couldn't give him time or importance anymore and that she was just calling him because he would fight if she didn't. She simply put the phone down then and switched it off. He gave up trying to call her after a few minutes and now sat there in the conference room with the phone in his hand, like someone who had been battered from all sides and left curled up, wounded and bleeding.

There was a knock on the door and Ajay peeked in and asked, “Are you okay?” Not trusting his voice, Sameer just nodded. Ajay gave him a cup of water that he had been holding and simply patted Sameer’s back and walked out. The rest of the day was a disaster and Sameer quickly closed for the day and left office, waving his thanks to Ajay. Ajay was on the phone with someone and simply waved back. He seemed to be patiently saying something on the phone, taking care not to raise his voice and keep it flat and even, spacing his words out. Sameer walked out not registering what was happening, lost in his own world.

The next day, Sameer was back in office early, trying to catch up with the time that he had lost the day before. He had spent the night up, thinking about what had happened the previous day on the phone call and had been having a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach about himself and Anamika. Ajay came in talking on the phone, put his bag down, waved at Sameer and went straight to the conference room and continued his conversation. Disturbed by the resemblance to his own experience the day before, Sameer shook his head and after a few seconds, continued with his work. After what seemed to be half an hour, Ajay came out of the conference room, looking tired and worn out. His was the cabin next to Sameer’s and he sat down heavily in his chair. At first Sameer thought he would ignore it but then decided to simply peek into Ajay’s cabin and reciprocate the previous day’s help. He carried two cups of coffee into Ajay’s room and gave Ajay one of them and sat down opposite him.

“All well?” asked Sameer. Ajay mumbled a quick yes and then hit behind the coffee mug. After a couple of minutes of strained silence, Ajay broke it by saying, “I am sorry, I was on the phone with my sister. She is going through a rough patch in her relationship with this guy.” Sameer knew what that was like and simply nodded, not trusting himself to speak and waited for Ajay to continue. Ajay continued with a question that seemed to rock Sameer right down to his shoes, “Why do people in love fight? And especially, why do they fight about love itself and with each other about it?” Ajay seemed to be speaking to himself and didn't need a reply. Sameer kept silent wondering if Ajay was speaking about him and Anamika. Ajay continued, “My sister and her boyfriend seem to be fighting with each other about why they love each other and why they think the other person doesn't love them. I am very close to her and we have been almost friends ever since we were kids. So every time this happens, she calls me and wants me to help.  Last afternoon was a fight and I thought I had told her how to sort it out and now this morning, another fight and this one about his not calling her or messaging her enough. And she wanted me to help with this one as well.” Ajay stopped at that, suddenly catching himself, looking embarrassed for having spoken too much. He then changed the topic to his son Aditya and the school annual function that was coming up and how Aditya was playing the part of Little John in a play about Robin Hood. But the conversation kept playing back in Sameer’s head and he kept silent, just nodding encouragement without really listening.

When Ajay stopped his explaining after almost ten minutes, Sameer was unable to keep his curiosity under control and asked him, “So, what did you tell your sister? Did you solve her problem?” Ajay leaned back, took a deep breath and said;”I told her that I couldn't sort out her problem and that she needed to do it. But I also told her that you can’t demand love or time. It has to be given of its own accord. There is no point in fighting for what the other person doesn't give because they have already decided that they don’t want to give you that. So I simply told her to figure out if there was anything left between her and this guy and then act accordingly. In any case, there is no point in fighting for something that isn't there anymore. Is the fight really worth it then?”


Sameer hunched in his chair like he had been punched in the stomach. The words rang in his mind again and again. Ajay finished his coffee and excused himself saying that he had a meeting to go to. Sameer simply nodded and went back to his cabin, in a trance, still thinking about what Ajay had said. Slowly, but surely, the jig saw pieces began to fall into place. He realized that he was in the same boat as Ajay’s sister, trying to command Anamika’s time and attention which she didn't want to give him in the first place, be it a question of priorities or simply a desire not to. As it all fell into place, that sinking feeling, the quick sand at the pit of his stomach, slowly disappeared. A curious sense of calm descended on him. He walked out of office and went down to the cafeteria which he knew would be deserted now. He called up Anamika and in a calm and quiet voice, told her exactly what he thought they should do. At first she seemed surprised and shocked and then angry at what he was suggesting. But his calm voice and the clarity in his words helped. After a few minutes, he signed off from the conversation with a simple thanks and bye and walked back to his cabin, feeling a curious sense of relief and miraculously, a sense of peace about himself, something that seemed to have been missing in the past year. 

Sunday 13 April 2014

The Domino Effect - Part 1 - The U Turn





The domino effect is a chain reaction that occurs when a small change causes a similar change nearby, which then causes another similar change, and so on in linear sequence. The term is best known as a mechanical effect, and is used as an analogy to a falling row of dominoes. It typically refers to a linked sequence of events where the time between successive events is relatively small. It can be used literally (an observed series of actual collisions) or metaphorically (causal linkages within systems such as global finance or politics). – Wikipedia on the Domino Effect

For those of us who have seen a domino effect in motion, two things keep us entranced – the seeming continuity of motion and the linkages at tandem between seemingly unrelated streams of dominos. The heart stops when a domino falls and almost whisper-caresses the next one standing some distance away and at an angle and causes it to fall, setting off another line of motion.

What if the domino effect was applied to humans? Could it be possible that every action of any human being has an impact or effect on the life of some other human being who could be completely unconnected with the first? At first sight this seems impossible. But for those of us, who believe in the serendipitous nature of things, know otherwise. Daily tidbits of human calamity that reach us that are based on a random set of events irreversibly changing lives.

And thus the inspiration for this set of stories where human lives are irretrievably changed by another, seemingly unrelated. Since this is a series, each episode will be short and centered on a person or persons whose lives change at random due to another. And there is a reason why this series is called a Reverse Domino, to find which, one will need to read through.

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Part 1 - The U Turn

Ajay turned to look in the rear view mirror as he drove away. The small face crumpled and looked even impossibly small even as it receded. He could see or imagined that he could see the tears barely being held back, the whimpers shaking the small frame as the boy bravely tried to choke them. He felt a tiny flicker of pride at the change in his son – from crying openly for every little thing to being able to put up a brave face. He remembered his own words “You have to be tough and brave in the world. There are a lot of people who will hurt you. You need to become tougher as you grow up. There won’t always be someone to take care of you or protect you.” He had known he was being harsh but his own memories of endless hours of torment as he had grown up, the pain, the confusion, the hurt. And he knew that he wanted to protect his Aditya from all that at any cost. He had to make him tough and safe.

Even now, as he drove away, a part of him wanted to stop the car and run back, hug that little part of himself. But he forced that part of himself back into the deep recesses of his brain, somewhere deep in that pool of his brain that it could not come back again to the surface. His jaw clenched and he gripped the steering wheel harder even as his foot pressed down on the accelerator and he sped away, the dust cloud behind the car preventing his hungry eyes from sneaking a look back through the rear view.

He rejoined the main traffic as he drove towards office, his pace dropping to almost a crawl. He turned up the window and switched on the air conditioning. With the car stopping more than it was travelling, like some extremely tired beast that took more time to move than stop, his thoughts wandered to the morning and all that had happened.

It had been a normal morning with him waking up at to his usual clock and waiting for the alarm to ring and then shutting it off and waking up with the usual spring in his step. He had always been a morning person all his life, loving every minute of that alone time that he got for himself, switching on some music and getting everything in order for the day, for all of them. And the final part of the ritual, his extra large mug of coffee, straight out of the percolator, the only thing that he took time over in his routine, inhaling and sipping the coffee as it was the last he would have. Then his routine of waking up Aditya, cajoling him out of bed and often giving into the request for an extra five minutes of sleep. He justified the action to himself that maybe the boy had had a bad dream and so did not sleep well.

That morning went exactly as per the routine, like a screenplay enacted by a well rehearsed cast. Until the moment when he had seen the note in Aditya’s diary that he had not completed his work in class.  He had called Aditya down and had asked him what had happened and for the first time, he heard Aditya say what was apparently a lie, that his pen ran out of ink, uncomfortable and shuffling through the whole statement. Ajay filled ink in Aditya’s pen each morning and so couldn't believe that the pen could run out of ink. He pushed Aditya by asking him more questions only to get the same answer. And his disbelief had turned to shock and then to anger at having been lied to. He had asked Aditya whether the excuse was true, only to receive a hesitant and uncertain confirmation, but a confirmation nonetheless. He had turned away and left Aditya standing then, a first since his son had been old enough to talk. Unsure of what to do, his son had completed getting ready for school. And then the final straw had happened. He had brought the diary note to Ajay, asking him to write the reason and sign on it. A flash of anger had overtaken Ajay at that instant and he had lost his head, yelling and screaming.

He hadn't even calmed down after about 15 minutes of venting his anger. Aditya had turned pale, nearly white with shock at his dad’s anger, an extreme that he had seen for the first time. Tears had started to well up, Aditya had started to stare at the ground, a sign that he was going to cry. And Ajay had yelled at him once again, his anger searching for any outlet available at that instant, telling him to stop being a cry baby and own up to his mistake, to start acting responsible. Very adult words those had been, words that an eight year old could never have understood. But he had not stopped to think, his anger ruling his actions and his words just pouring out. Aditya had now focused on some spot on the floor, his hands picking and pulling at a loose thread on his shirt front for want of something to do. The thread held a button which at that instant came loose and fell. Aditya looked up guiltily as if he expected the next tidal wave for this. Normally, Ajay would have caught onto his look and would have reassured Aditya that it was not his fault. But Ajay was not normal that day.

The shirt was changed and Ajay realized that they were late for school. He started lecturing Aditya on being on time, the whole way that he drove to school. Aditya stayed silent, his hands safely clasped together, to prevent anything else from going wrong. And then they had reached school, a good half an hour late and Ajay had to talk to the teacher to let Aditya in, something that irritated him further. He had not even waited for Aditya to go in, had not said goodbye and just walked away to his car and driven away, thinking that his action will teach Aditya a lesson in lying to him.

A honk behind brought Ajay back to here and now and he realized that the light had changed color and he hadn't moved forward. He put his hand out and waved an apology as he started the car and drove the short distance till he caught up with the next car in the long queue to his destination. He then saw a boy selling sun blinds for car windows, the boy just about Aditya’s age or maybe even slightly older. The boy would go up to every driver’s side window and would put the blind onto the window and would peek through the windshield to make his pitch. A couple of drivers took and interest and he closed the sale. One driver rolled down the window and gave him a Re 10 note, something which the boy simply gave back, shaking his head, his pride not allowing him to accept alms. He muttered something to the driver inside and the driver withdrew his offer, rolling up the window. The boy was walking towards Ajay’s car now and just as he reached Ajay’s window to begin his spiel, someone called him from the sidewalk.

Ajay watched the boy go through his spiel and rolled down his window, thinking that the boy was tough and so worldly wise, exactly the same way that he had asked Aditya to be. He felt a pang of regret then that he had left Aditya like that at school. But he brushed it aside nonetheless, telling himself that it was for the best.  He decided not to buy the blinds and watched the disappointed boy go across to the next car. The driver was a man in his late forties, same as Ajay and a boy sat in the front seat. The whole sales routine of the sun blinds was run through and the man decided to buy a set but did not have the exact change. The boy who was selling them offered to get change but the man decided to walk out of the car and go across to the boy’s father and get the change.

The man came back to the car, the traffic not having moved an inch in the meantime. As he got back into the driver’s seat and belted himself down, his son rolled down the window on his side. Ajay could now clearly hear the conversation between them. The boy asked his father why he had gone out of the car and his father explained that he had gone to get the change. The boy did not leave the matter at that and asked his dad why he had not allowed the boy who had sold the blinds to get him the change. His dad was obviously uncomfortable at the question and finally muttered something about not being able to trust a strange boy with so much cash. The son quieted down at that, thinking something over. Then Ajay heard him clearly ask, “Dad, is it the same reason that you didn't trust me when I told you that another boy had taken my pen and so I could not complete my class work?” The man replied, “But how could he have taken your pen and why did you let him do it?”

The exchange went on this way as the boy tried to explain to his dad about a school mate who had not brought his pen and how he had given his pen to the boy and they had taken turns to write the class work and both had not been able to finish. When he finished, his dad simply turned to him and said, “I am sorry I didn't believe you. But why didn't you tell me this when I asked you?” The boy simply said, “I thought you would get angry at me and so decided to just make up an excuse.” The man looked as if he had been struck in the face and said nothing for a second, then finally, simply leaned forward and hugged his son and said, “I want you to always tell me everything from now on and I promise to try and never get angry at you.”

Then, sensing Ajay’s eyes on him, the man looked up and saw that Ajay had been observing the whole interchange. He looked embarrassed at first and then simply laughed at himself, finally talking across to Ajay, “Kids nowadays! You can’t be their father anymore, you have to just be their friend. You have kids?” Ajay didn't know how to react and simply nodded yes. Luckily at that moment, the car ahead of him moved forward and Ajay moved ahead of the other car, saved the discomfort of having to face the man. As he sat in his car, he thought about what had happened, how the boy had chosen not to tell the truth to the man and made up a white lie, and wondered if the same thing had happened with Aditya. By becoming angry, he had only made his son’s fear come true. He sat there stunned at what had happened and how quickly he had simply chosen to believe a lie.

The car behind him honked again and he looked up to see that the traffic had moved ahead once again and he had been caught thinking. There was a break in the traffic to his right and he saw that there was a break in the road just there with no oncoming traffic. He thought for a moment about the time and the fact that he would be delayed to office and then decided that he needed to go back. He turned on the car’s indicator and quickly shifted into the right lane and took the U turn, not noticing the “No U Turn” signal right there. The traffic cop standing just ahead waved frantically and blew on his whistle but Ajay could not be bothered. He joined the traffic line back towards Aditya’s school, only wanting to suddenly see his son and hug him and somehow make all the nasty things he had said go away.

Suddenly, the boy selling the blinds came back to his car, starting his sales pitch and then somehow recognizing Ajay, stopping it and preparing to move on. It was then that Ajay looked at the man on the sidewalk and he saw a man sitting cross legged on a sheet, surrounded by small stacks of the packed sun blinds, staring at something. After watching him for a couple of moments, Ajay suddenly realized that the man was blind. And with that came the realization that the man had no choice but to believe his son and depended on his son to see for him.

Ajay felt very small right then, shrinking in stature in his own eyes, for having done what he had that morning. He sat silently, patiently waiting and driving the small distances forward until he could take the turn off the main road towards Aditya’s school. The security guard looked confused as Ajay ran towards the gate and simply let him in. Ajay sprinted all the way to Aditya’s class room in the annex building at the back, running up the stairs to the first floor and down the corridor to the last room. He stopped at the door and saw Aditya with his head down writing something. He looked at the teacher and simply raised his hand asking for a minute. The teacher nodded and Ajay walked into the room towards Aditya. He reached Aditya’s desk and simply stopped. Aditya stopped writing when he felt someone standing next to him and looked up, his questioning eyes suddenly turning a little scared when he saw that it was Ajay. At that moment, all Ajay wanted to do was to simply wipe that fear away. He bent down and simply hugged Aditya hard. His breath seemed to have caught in his throat and his eyes threatened to spill over as a blanket of relief settled over him. A few minutes and a hasty explanation to the teacher later, Ajay was driving away from the school with Aditya, towards their favorite haunt, the beach. The office and the world and everything else could wait, he was with his son now ….