The Domino Effect - Part 3 - Reaching Out (Part 2 of 3)

Those days when Sanaa was away, Nikhil changed. In a way that was more than noticeable. His normally calm and shy self metamorphosed into an irritable, snappy and weird character that people started to avoid. When she returned, his change back was noticeable. People actually saw him smiling in his shy unassuming way. In fact the times when he would have his coffee breaks with her, he was positively bubbly or as close to bubbly as a shy antisocial wallflower could be. Sameer came up to him one afternoon and commented about the changes in him. Nikhil, uncharacteristically blustery, brushed it all off. Trying a different tactic, Sameer asked about Sanaa and got a shy smile and no comments. He jovially kidded Nikhil and left it at that, understanding his friend’s need for privacy about his feelings.

Sanaa seemed the same that she always had been with him, laughing and talking all the time. Only now, she felt a slight change in Nikhil, a slight consciousness that had earlier not been there, a kind of holding back. She tried to make him come back to normal, the more he retreated into his corner. Finally, she gave up and decided to just be herself with him. They continued their occasional coffee chats over the next few months. And the habit continued with Nikhil getting in deeper and deeper over his head. Yet he never so much as said a word to Sanaa.

Then came Nikhil’s sister’s wedding. It was in his hometown and he had to go for three weeks to get things ready. He had obviously invited Sanaa for the wedding itself but she couldn’t make it in the run up due to client meetings and reviews that had been set up then. She missed the coffee breaks then and the conversations. Nikhil was busy with the arrangements back home and so the phone calls were infrequent at best. Sanaa missed him through her client meetings, the luncheons and the dinners. When finally she realized what was happening, she had been dreaming for a while in the middle of a client presentation and had missed a question directed at her. Sheepishly covering up, she answered. She suddenly felt relieved at the realization of her feelings for Nikhil and the depth of it all. She couldn’t wait to tell him to his face and imagined his smile lighting up his face when she told him what she felt for him. When she finally landed up at his place, she missed him so much that she hugged him as soon as she saw him. A stunned Nikhil did not even respond and a few seconds away, Sanaa stepped back in obvious embarrassment. They both didn’t know where to look and were thankful for the intrusion of his mother and the round of introductions that started then.

The wedding went very smoothly. Nikhil made sure of that. The hugging episode had somehow made both of them a little distant and the fact that Nikhil could hardly get time to even talk to her properly during the lead up to the wedding, made sure that they didn't actually talk about it at all. Sanaa spent time with his mother and sister and family and found them to be a loving caring environment that she completely got immersed in. The fact that Nikhil said nothing about the hug or even tried to talk to her alone made her feel that she had actually got it completely wrong and had overstepped the extent of being a friend. She felt like she had lost something in the bargain, the emptiness threatening to overcome her taking part in the celebrations there. After a couple of days, she realized that this emotion was mainly linked to his reaction to her, as if she had been expecting something that wasn't there. While the disappointment was surely there, she also realized that if she continued on this path, she would lose Nikhil completely. He obviously had never thought of her as more than a friend and she decided that it’s what they would be.

When it was time to go, Sanaa decided that she wanted to make it all normal again. So she cornered Nikhil in a room in the house, alone on the pretext of saying good bye. When alone, she spoke first, like it had always been between them. She said, “You know you’re probably my best friend and I just want to make sure that there are no misunderstandings between us.” She went on to explain in her frank and forthright manner that the hug was nothing at all, it was just her happiness at seeing him. She went on and by the time she finished, she had made it very clear that they were friends and nothing more. Slightly panting for breath, she was puzzled to note Nikhil looking stricken, like he had been struck in the face.

Nikhil couldn't believe what he had heard, still reeling from what she had said. The hug had surprised him for sure and had made him think that Sanaa actually felt the same way that he did. He had become happier at the thought and was quietly comfortable in the thought of their shared joy. The wedding continued to take all of his time and though he wanted to talk to Sanaa about it all, he couldn't find the time. And besides, he didn't know what to say and didn't want to appear tongue tied in front of her. The sight of her with his family made him even happier and he actually caught himself imagining a life between them and then realizing that he was going way ahead of it all and shaking his head wryly with a smile. And when he thought she was going to say something about how things were going to be so much better between them, he was hearing just the reverse. He felt like he was being sucked up in a whirlpool that threatened to black him out. He could hear Sanaa calling his name and asking if he was OK. And that brought him back to reality like a bucket of icy cold water thrown at him. He woke up to reality, stuttering and stammering from his swim in the pool of delusion. His only answer was, “Of course, we are the best of friends and will always remain that way.” And she left and that was that.

Truthfully, he couldn't imagine Sanaa being just a friend any more, his treacherous mind kept slipping back to the happy memories that he had created out of thin air, sticking like glue to those moments, not letting them slip into the crevasse that he wanted to bury all those thoughts in. He decided to stay back a couple of more days at home, not sure about how he would face her, the very thought turning his stomach and leaving him gasping for breath. He chose to spend the time at home by himself, making his normal shell more like that of a hermit crab now.  His family knew him well and chose to leave him alone, except for his mother’s anxious questions that he could not face. Finally he told her the truth, and lost himself in the comfort of her embrace. It gave him strength and finally he realized that no matter how he felt about Sanaa, what was important was that he be there for her as a friend.

He went back to work the next day, somehow changed, no longer the same. Like a cracked vase that had been glued together. He went through the day like he was on automatic mode, making all the expected moves and noises. Until it was evening and suddenly he felt like a deer in the headlights. He looked up and saw her coming over. He quickly ducked to cover up the irrational joy that he felt on seeing her and composed himself as much as he could, feeling himself slipping even as he stood up and said as coolly as he could, “Coffee Time ?” And off they went, trudging off to their routine, as normally as they could, each a little different and the other, too caught up in their difference to mention it. However, being normal was as easy as walking bare feet on glass shards and not getting cut. Nikhil spent his time alone brooding over what was happening and how he would continue to go through the motions.

Sameer noticed Nikhil around the office, distinctly worse for the wear on more than one occasion and tried to get to Nikhil but the hermit crab would just go back into its shell. He caught Nikhil after a coffee break with Sanaa, looking wounded and vulnerable, ready to crack into a million pieces and realized that something was going wrong between them. He remembered his own experience and wished there was something he could do for Nikhil. But the moment was too fragile and he simply decided to pass it by, choosing to just walk by. Something in Nikhil’s look got to him and he couldn't shake the feeling that he had done wrong.

Then the inevitable happened, the only surprise being that it took so long to happen. Sanaa met Mark at her office, a new intern who was the complete opposite of Nikhil, outgoing and full of laughs. He kept coming across to her any time that he was at a loose end and he was incredibly easy to talk to. She felt strangely reluctant to share this with Nikhil, choosing not to mention it until they finally crossed paths at the coffee shop. Sanaa and Nikhil were sitting at the coffee shop, her talking and him listening, just the way it had always been. And suddenly, Mark entered the coffee shop and yelled across to Sanaa. Nikhil was surprised and showed it in his face. Sanaa was suddenly caught in between. She wished to heaven that she could have just disappeared from there. But luck wouldn't have it any other way. Mark walked up to her and pulled up a chair at the table, seemingly as normal with Sanaa as he was in office. Nikhil’s face first registered surprise and then slowly changed to normalcy as he understood that Mark and Sanaa knew each other. Sanaa, who normally monopolized all of their conversations, suddenly found herself tongue tied while Mark continued his description of an office meeting. Suddenly not wanting to intrude, Nikhil made an excuse and paid up for the coffees and left. Sanaa had half a mind to go after him and explain that it was nothing, just an office colleague. But knowing that if it had just been that, she would have told him already, she hesitated and stopped.

Nikhil turned at the door of the coffee shop and saw Sanaa looking at him. He couldn't bear to return her smile and just turned and left. And for the first time, a crack appeared in the surface of the ice pond that they had been skating on.

The Domino Effect - Part 3 - Reaching Out (Part 1 of 3)

Nikhil stood in front of the bank of elevators wishing the earth would open up and swallow him. His usually crisply ironed shirt was as limp as his morale and dripping wet. His trousers, the creased perfection that he always prided on, were a mess of wet muck where he had got splashed, the seeming Rorschach blot slowly dripping onto the floor. He shifted from one foot to another impatiently, quickly stopping as he realized that the squelch was loud enough to attract any attention that he had managed to escape with his appearance.

He looked studiously at the floor as the minutes ticked by, each second seemingly elongated like a over stretched rubber band, the tension twanging in the air around him. The floor was devoid of any interesting tidbits or splotches that he could microscopically examine in the meantime. And his eyes kept slipping to the pair of black heels standing next to him, gleaming in their mockery of his dishevelment. They, along with the neatly manicured toes seemed to be mocking the growing puddle that was building around him, the moat that now was the first line of defense of the glass bubble that threatened to go pop any second.

He sneaked a look out of the corner of his eye, making as if he was chasing that rivulet of water that streamed off his right shoe and tried to make a path to the lobby entrance. The black heels led to a pair of well shaped calves and … the elevator pinged to announce its arrival, disturbing his thesis on the rivulet’s drive towards emancipation. There was a rush of feet, splashing and sploshing his hard work back from the floor onto several feet clad in various shapes and colors of garments and footwear. Nikhil had scarcely moved an inch before the elevator looked like a can of sardines that would need a compression chamber to have even a remote chance of closing. His hand stood exactly at the same spot that he had managed to raise it to when the ping was heard – about a foot away from his body towards the elevator buttons to hold the door open for the black heels. He observed with dismay his vain attempt at chivalry, for the black heels had disappeared into the crowd of feet in the sardine can.

Two more attempts at boarding a lift later, he finally managed to get a leg in sideways and got to his desk, almost completely drip dried. The rest of the day was a blur as he struggled to catch up with the lost couple of hours of that wet and drizzly morning. As the evening wore on, the clouds built up, angry and ominous, almost threatening to blow his windows and storm his room. His anxiety grew at the thought of having to hail a cab in pouring rain and he doubled his efforts to finish his work. The clock moved on nevertheless and soon it was raining cats and dogs and mice to boot.  He finally stuffed everything into his bag and walked out the door at well past 8 PM, expecting to be there at least another hour before he finally managed to find a log that would drift homewards in the growing river that once was a road.

He held his bag up above his head in a make shift umbrella that soon dripped water on his head as he joined the line of people waiting for a taxi that would ferry them home. Some good Samaritan had piled up some bricks and so, he hopped from one to another to cross towards the platform where the queue stood, walking on water or so it seemed. There was a small strip of awning to be under which, most of the people there were jostling and shoving. After what seemed like at least 20 barrels of water, a couple of taxis landed up, causing a mad scramble, a joust with briefcases and bags alike resulting in some alliances being formed and about 7 or 8 of the asylum seekers left. The second mad scramble for the awning started and Nikhil found himself being pushed forward and under the awning.

With the rain stopping its attack on him, he stood uncomfortably between a hard elbow to his side and a hard breathing chest that rose and fell like a pair of bellows, feeling the slow trickle of water as it made its way down his back. Suddenly he heard the sound of heels clacking and looked up to see the pair of black heels walking purposefully towards the awning. They stopped just short, almost tapping impatiently, expecting someone to give up their place. After a long wait with no response, the right heel started tapping. Nikhil took one look around and found everyone studiously looking at their phones. The bellows was even starting at what appeared to be a dead phone. Feeling like he was in the spotlight, he carefully edged out into the rain and stood there with his arm out, gesturing her to take his spot.

It was a long wait to his taxi ride now.

The next morning, as like any other the weeks before, he made his way to the metro and onward to his office. His normal wait at the elevator banks that morning and his usually blanking out till he caught the third or fourth elevator, were rudely interrupted by a pair of tan heels that clickety clacked into his thoughts. He abandoned his study of the crack on the tile that looked like it was a bolt of lightning and raised his eyes to look at clear pupils that were quite not either blue or black framed by lips that curved into a hesitant smile as if to say that they didn’t know why they were there and what they were going to say. And then the words came out haltingly, thanking him for his gesture the previous day. Nikhil was tongue tied and mumbled a response that seemed more like an apology than an acceptance of gratitude. The embarrassing moment stretched as they both waited for the elevator. When finally it came, there was that routine dash to fill its insides and only the both of them were left. The wait stretched interminably until she broke it to ask him where he worked and what he did. The lift did take a long time to come after all. Her name was Sanaa, with a double A.

Each day after that, he would see her at the elevators at least once, and smiles would be exchanged, strained silences gave way to quick updates and some longer conversations. On most days, they would travel in separate elevator rides until one day she decided to take the one that he did and from then on, they shared the elevator ride too. More talk ensued and more information exchanged until one day, she suddenly showed up at his office. After the first rush of embarrassment at the looks of his colleagues and a stuttering hello, much like a flooded engine that slowly comes to life, he found that her client meeting for the afternoon had got cancelled and she wanted to go out for a coffee. Why with him? He couldn't for the life of him figure out why he was singled out for the experience.

The long walk out of the office, down the aisle past the barbed wire stares of people, the lift ride down where he attempted to write a new thesis on the scuff mark on his shoe and finally the arrival at the coffee shop. All these were burnt into his mind, along with the murmurs of encouragement that he seemed to be making that were hardly required for her to continue the monologue. Things took a turn for the worse when she laid a hand on his arm to explain something and let it stay there for a brief while. The coffee turned to mud and everything else around him disappeared, except the hand and her. It was one of those memorable experiences where all you remember are bits and pieces of the whole and for some reason; the thread that stitched them all together was simply not there. His only significant response was to her question on whether they should go back to work.

In spite of this debacle, she seemed to want to have more such masochistic experiences and asked him out for coffee every now and then, sometimes during and sometimes after work. With time, his tongue seemed to loosen itself and his brain kick-started along with the rest of his being and their conversations actually took a saner turn and veered towards work, interests and similar topics where he could actually craft a sensible response. He grew more and more comfortable with her while his walls and his insecurity with everyone else remained. It was curious to see the second side to him, one that she created in a fashion and brought alive.

Then came the evening when something changed. It was coffee as usual after work, something of a ritual between them now. However, that day, she seemed withdrawn. Since she was usually the catalyst in their conversation, long silences and the occasional question peppered the coffee that was left to grow cold. He could sense that she was bothered about something. But he hesitated, not wanting to intrude, letting the silence draw on in their island of quiet in the middle of the bustling coffee shop. After what seemed to be a very long cup of coffee, he signaled for the cheque. He paid up and they walked out, somehow strangely reluctant to part ways, the meeting incomplete without the normalcy of their conversation. She suddenly asked if he would like to walk and they just strolled down the road, past the usual taxi stand, the metro station and all familiars, the silence building on until it became too much to bear. She finally simply stopped and told him about her mother’s health having deteriorated, eyes brimming over and tears starting to trail down her cheeks. It was the first time either of them had talked about something deeply personal. His polite murmurs about her mother getting well soon didn't seem to be working as the tears continued, sobs becoming louder. Hesitant but without a clue on what else to do, he put an arm around her and held her loosely. She buried her face into his shirt front, the sobs growing louder as they stood in the middle of the sidewalk, people walking around them.  He dropped her home for the first time that evening, continuing to hold her all the way back.

Something changed between them that day, a new degree of closeness that neither could actually define. She remained the talkative one, drawing him out and making him laugh. He was the stronger one, helping her through things that seemed to bother her. Her mother’s health grew worse and she finally had to go home for a while. She was away for more than a week and it seemed like an endless expanse of time when he waited for her to come back. He was sitting at his desk between meetings and staring outside blankly, his thoughts fluttering here and there without landing on anything, just bouncing off walls. He reached out and almost called her then, an act of near desperation. But at the last moment, he held back.

He remained in a daze for the rest of the day, surprised by his own feelings and anxiety. When the final meeting came to an end, Sameer walked up to him and asked him if everything was OK. Sameer and he had worked together on several projects and he could actually talk to Sameer unlike most of the other people in the office. Surprised by the question, he didn’t respond and just murmured a polite reply. Sameer kept pushing and finally the whole incident came out in chewed up bits and pieces. Sameer heaved a sigh of relief and said, “Nikhil, you haven’t changed one bit in all the time I have known you. Why can’t you simply message or call her? You can just make up an excuse about wanting to know when she is back so that you can restart your coffee evenings. And maybe ask about her mother.” It all seemed so easy when Sameer put it that way and Nikhil agreed.

It was only later, when he was back at his desk and thinking about the call that the enormity of the task stared him in the face. Seven half attempts later, he dialed an eighth time. The phone on the other end rang and he immediately chickened out, ending the call. Unfortunately for him, in the era of mobile phones, there was such a thing as a missed call and lo behold, a minute later, she called back asking if he had called. He murmured something that sounded like what Sameer had suggested. And then as usual she took over the conversation and told him about her mom’s recovery and about missing coffee with him. His response was to simply agree. When finally the call ended, he found himself smiling. Things seemed to be OK again. Twice again she called before she came back and they talked, the conversations assuming a slightly different level from their coffee table talk.

Nikhil wasn’t aware of what was happening to him. If he was, he would have questioned his own sanity. But as things were about to prove to him, his life was going to be turned upside down in more ways than one.